Semi Public Confession Without Saying Anything Outright ;)

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apz freak

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Far be it right to expound the inner deepest working of my soul to a crowd of people who either don't know who I am or only like me because of APZ Cloud  :P It's only right because it'll make absolutely no sense  :wink:

I just got word that one of my deepest most buried hopes is truly the outcome I've always wanted. Validation for years of emotional pain and unanswered questions. A clear path to that which I desperately desire. A pain that landed me in the hospital once for an under 30 almost heart attack. The solemn trudge of these past few years has aged me rapidly, and wonderfully granted me an earnest humility and sincerity.

I know now what must be done, and I know now how to get there. Hope will guide the way, and the promise of the sunshine I've always sought is enough to sustain me. Even if I never get there... The light it's self is the reward...

One can say... My heart has been made whole again, that or... you know... Unbroken  ;)


"Who cares! Make the darn Cloud already! or Tifa, or Yuffie, or Cait Sith! Everybody's always making dumb Clouds..."

Because I assume there's some of you out there who are ALL-ABOUT the Cait Sith  ;D
 
Placing my bets on Enrique his lover proposed to him!!!

Nah i'm just kidding, Good to hear that our random outcome came out how you wanted it too :D
 
I've read this four times, and I still have no idea what you're talking about. Are you announcing some kind of Cait Sith field model?
 
Either that or he's found Dog.

I typed that on purpose, shut up, it's a Rise of the Triad joke.
 
He's clearly had a revelation of some great magnitude!  Congrats!  Enjoy the hope, sunshine, and light.  Being made whole again = good;  no more pseudo heart attacks please!
 
Thanks guys, no I'm not interested in Cait Sith and no I didn't "Find Gob"

But I'll keep it mysterious  ;)
 
I've read this four times, and I still have no idea what you're talking about. Are you announcing some kind of Cait Sith field model?
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I sure wish we had a way to like posts.
 
I did...

I tell you what! My life is a soap opera, and I just have to accept that  8-)

My... "issue" has been buried unresolved for so long. One of those things where everyone in your life immediate shouts "Get Over It" not letting you experience the comfort of consolation. There is no consolation, at least not in this circumstance... I guess when your issue is more of a personal thing where you're co-to-blame and happens 2 days before a tragic family crisis... Well... Nobody cares what YOU have to say or think... Ya know? They only care about what you DO, and whether or not you make others happy.

So it was my task to bring joy when I had none for myself, and I did, while being busy 90 hours a week on little sleep. And nobody cares, nobody patting me on the back, nobody saying "I'm proud of you" or "I'm glad you do this for us", nobody on MY side of this issue. Nope... Just... As long as I don't mention me, everyone's happy. It doesn't matter if I'm happy, just that I smile and joke and play my part. I guess I don't need the acknowledgement at all... But what intrigues me was how little what I felt mattered to anyone. It wasn't about me after all...

But then the family part gets better, and the deep chasm and spread hate of the other issue is still unresolved. What do you do? And you bring it up, just to work it out, and no one wants to listen "Quit throwing yourself a pity party" And it could be said "You have sh*tty friends" But hey... It's all I got! So you never really get the change to "get over it" truly, just bury it deep and hope it doesn't pop up any time soon. Of course, they care about me, but they'd rather I just be "happy", than to find any kind of closure. Which is a wise thing to want, to just be happy regardless of this one thing. And I guess I am. I am happy :) It's just that one thing, a very big part of me.

And while I now have a sort-of consolation about this. After posting this thread I come to find that it is NOT the full resolution I wanted. But still in the right direction. Baby steps, I suppose. Hope.  ;)

One day, I hope. Redemption, forgiveness. Leaving all the guilt and pain behind. That's what I want.  :)

(All with the magical knowledge that nobody really gives a crap what I want inside. Which is why posting here is just as good as talking to my loved ones) No offense :) Just honest.

Nobody cares! Do you care? How could you! You don't even know what I'm talking about!  :evil: But I appreciate any of you who took the time to read these indecipherable ramblings. Thank you
 
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I won't pretend I can sympathize with you mate! Anyone who believes he is is just pretending! The only real thing I can say is that I wish God will take care of you and your family!
 
I won't pretend I can sympathize with you mate! Anyone who believes he is is just pretending! The only real thing I can say is that I wish God will take care of you and your family!
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Thank you sir :)

Nothing is forever ...
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Indeed ;) There's hope after all, this could take decades, but I'll be waiting, patiently. Faith
 
Isn't it wonderful that crisis A is always followed by crisis B merely a few days later?  And circumstances X, Y, and Z only serve to further complicate things.

Baby steps, persistence, moving in the right direction, Faith.  "Keeping your head up" Ha, ambiguously described situations generate generic, blanket advice/support statements.

We may all only care as much as random internet people on a modding site can, but I don't think anyone here would tell you to "Get over it" or "Why can't you just be happy APZ!" 

Indecipherable ramblings are fun I think lol.  Good Luck.
 
Of course, I cannot know for sure what exactly you are speaking of but I can relate very well to the general setting of your semi-public confession (except for the close heart attack).
Actually, I had not even heard of you ever before but I frankly feel very sympathetic to your situation.

I wish you the best!
 
HA ha! You guys are awesome.

I know it sounds all depressing and what-not. It's hard to explain to most folks that I'm a happy guy, I just happen to have this dark cloud that doesn't go away. Yes, I'm a happy guy  ;D And I'm blessed, and I'm lucky.

It's interesting to me that I'm not a black-and-white cartoon character of a man, it's interesting that there's layers to this character I call me. It's a case where my natural neurosis is my saving grace, if life's a story worth telling, then it can't defeat me! I have to keep living it, because it makes the story more interesting.

Seriously guys, in about 50 years I'll write down this weird drama for others to read. It's too good to keep to myself! But for the sake of myself and those I love, I'll save it for now, until the time is right.  ;)

In the meanby, thank you guys for a general air of vague support. I don't need it, but it is appreciated  ;)
 
:o So the voices give you strength?  Now it all makes sense! lol
 
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